Fiction Recs: Funny Quotes

Funny moments are my favorite moments in fiction. Here are a few of them, in no particular order:

There's something about a doctor telling a teenager not to drive that makes it so important to do so.

— Wake by Lisa McMann

The adventurers had long since ceased to blow their horns. It was too tiring to go on doing that, when there was no one to be annoyed by it.

— The Enchanted Castle by E. Nesbit

I could almost hear Professor Maximilian saying, Did we stop her in time? "Five murder attempts," he'd have said. "There is a universe in which the first attempt succeeded and Gabriella ran Felix over shortly after his arrival in Universe B. And another in which the hit-and-run failed, but Felix succumbed to cherry chocolates in the Palo Alto Health Center...And also one in which the first four attempts failed, but Felix died a few minutes ago because he wasn't holding The Nine Tailers in front of his chest or because Mrs. Noor...was therefore unable to stop Gabriella in time. Isn't that interesting?" the professor would have said, and I would have killed him in all possible universes.

— Regarding Ducks and Universes by Neve Maslakovic

"I didn't come down here to yell at you."

Alan looked slightly alarmed. "Did you come down here to throw things?"

**

"Your plan is always killing, Nicholas," Alan said. "It worries me. I want you to have many goals."

**

She saw the fearless leader of the Aventurine Circle walking through the Market, using his usual method of diplomacy, which was talking at people blithely and persistently and moving on, leaving them stunned in his wake.

— The Demon's Surrender by Sarah Rees Brennan

"...My amma takes good care of me. She's a little old-fashioned, but her heart's in the right place."

Maybe, but I'd like to see the X-Ray. I wasn't as convinced as Penny.

— Stork by Wendy Delsol

Sophronia grabbed his arm. "You can't leave now! You'll give away our hiding place."

"It's only a matter of time." Pillover was unsympathetic. "They'll do a schoolwide sweep." Then he pointed to a nearby broom sharing the closet with them. "Sweep. Ha."

"Delightful. Now we're trapped in a closet with puns."

— Etiquette and Espionage by Gail Carriger

Alexia sighed. "It is at times like this I wish I could talk to my mother."

"Good gracious, what good would that do, madam?" Floote was moved to speak by the outrageousness of Alexia's statement.

"Well, whatever she said, I could simply take the opposite point of view."

— Blameless by Gail Carriger

The naval officers who'd brought Maurizio ashore were adamant that he be taken to the Vasilikon, before the Assembly of Agogoi. I was only allowed to come along because Sir Maurizio clamped his hand on my arm and wouldn't let go.

"She's my translator," he kept insisting, in perfectly serviceable Porphyrian.

— Shadow Scale by Rachel Hartman

"Tell the rest," said Sir Cuthberte.

Anders kicked at the ground with his toe. "No one believes me. If you've brought me in so this maidy can laugh at me, I don't--"

"No, no," said Sir Maurizio gently, clapping the squire's shoulder. "She's well brought up; she'll wait until you've gone."

— Shadow Scale by Rachel Hartman

"Can we get serious?" asks Mom.

"Okay." Elena sticks a somber drama club expression on her face. "I am serious."

"You look terrified," I mutter.

She nods toward a plastic baby doll that Mom's placed on a bale of hay. "I am portraying a teenage girl with a baby here. Terrified is the appropriate emotion."

"I need you to look like you're filled with wonder," Mom calls to us.

Elena considers the instruction then turns to inspect the plywood shed and the stuffed farm animals propped around us. "If I am the Mother of God, then I wonder why I just gave birth in a barn." She turns to me. "Joe, you couldn't do a little better with the accommodations?"

"You fell for the first angel that came along," I say. "This is what you get."

Elena gazes up at the sky and sighs. "He looked like Johnny Depp, and he promised he'd show me heaven."

A loud laugh interrupts us. It's my father standing on the back porch.

"Hey, Mr. Jordan!" calls Elena.

Dad waves.

— I Kill the Mockingbird by Paul Acampora

Sir Stephan was indeed talkative. He had a small manor in Frell, a wife, four daughters, and two hounds. The hounds were the joy of his life. "Smarter than pigs, cats, and dragons all rolled together," he said. As we rode, he recounted tale after tale of their bravery and cleverness.

"When do you think we’ll reach the giants?" I asked when he stopped for breath.

"Three days, I should think."

The day of the wedding! And we might arrive after it ended.

"Can we go any faster? I don’t need much sleep."

"Maybe you don t, and I’m eager to get back to those ogres. But the horse needs his rest. We’ll go as fast as he’ll take us."

I kicked the horse, hoping to spur him on and hoping Sir Stephan wouldn’t notice. Sir Stephan didn’t, and the horse didn’t either.

— Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine

The convent of the sacred order of the Blessed Ladies of the Lobster had once been a dank and dark medieval castle but was now, after a lick of paint and a few throw pillows, a dank and dark convent. The building overlooked the River Wye, which was pleasant, and it was right on the edge of the demilitarized zone, which wasn't. Successive King Snodds had looked upon the Duke of Breton's neighboring duchy with envious eyes, and a garrison from each had faced each other across the ten-mile snip of land that was their only shared border.

The upshot was that King Snodd's artillery was behind the convent and fired a daily shell over the building, to fall harmlessly into the demilitarized zone beyond. The Duke of Brecon, whose saber rattling had recently been reduced to dagger rattling due to a cut in his defense budget, had his artillery men yell "bang" in unison in reply, and he reserved live shells for special occasions, such as birthdays.

— The Last Dragonslayer by Jasper Fforde

The door opens again and in comes Alex and Rose.

"No more visitors," Yana says. "You need to rest."

"Please," I say. "They're my sisters."

Nurse Yana purses her lips, but she caves, winking a big, brown eye. "Just for tonight. The staff is already so busy with run-of-the-mill murders."

I must have a bewildered expression on my face because Nurse Yana blanks and scrambles for something to say. "Sorry, it's been a long night. You two, no upsetting the patient."

— Bruja Born by Zoraida Cordova

The unicorn, still elegant and radiant, let out a tiny burp.

— Fire & Heist by Sarah Beth Durst

Rini had the fashion sense of a mockingbird, attracted to the brightly colored and the shiny, and that, too, was not uncommon among the students, many of whom had traveled to worlds where the idea of subtlety was ignored in favor of the much more entertaining idea of hurting people's eyes.

— Beneath the Sugar Sky by Seanan McGuire

Kane fought to digest Poesy's words. It was like chewing potpourri.

— Reverie by Ryan La Sala

"What happened was Poesy's fault. The blood is on her hands."

The group considered this.

"Her very well-manicured hands," Adeline added.

Kane had to admit she was right. Poesy had great nails.

— Reverie by Ryan La Sala